The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.

Thank you for your help.

Signed,
Governor Spitzer.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really  hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,  "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl  looked at him,  then said, "NO."   Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,  you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."   She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend....  so she called him and explained the situation.   Her
boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really  fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and  accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and   asks  what happened....?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its  entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

Only in situations of morale and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an  Xbox.

Thou shall not rent the movie ‘Chocolat.’

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed by his fellow partygoers.

Some things money just can't buy...for everything else, there's automatic weapons and a ski mask...